Anyway, just a thought. Haha i think blogs are pretty great for depositing random musings and even ideas that suddenly pop up - i mean pretty cool to store them up someplace where you could scroll through them again foreverrrr. Yessir. I don't think i'd ever pour out so much emotions and whatnot into blogs no more. I mean, i think i used to do that in my old posts (before the 4 year hiatus) though some are actually random stuff i was thinking about and honestly i don't even remember what was it that i was writing about in posts that concealed the subject matter (what the heck right) hahahaha oh well.

In any case, I will only ever pour out my heart before God, not in a blog. Whew. Just really thankful that i found a personal and eternal relationship in God. Many times i really can't imagine what i would be doing today if it hadn't been for God and church. THANK GOD for this life which i now live.

It has been almost 4 years..

And lots has changed. Btw, this is extremely random - a sudden jolt of impulse. What led to it was a mindless addiction to a bejeweled puzzle game till nearly 5am, a mesh of thoughts and nostalgia as i laid in bed, trying to fall asleep and for some reason started to recall what my life and family had been like before moving to this (new - actually not so much anymore) house, and suddenly just feeling a swell of emotions coming up as i thought about my mother.

Then came the idea that maybe i should dig up my old blog (untouched for 4 years) and pen down some thoughts. And of course, that led to another distraction of reading my old posts from when i was 16 going on 17.. i must say i was a pretty good writer!! Hahaha but.. here's just such funny feeling that these old posts somehow felt like almost as if a stranger, a me from another lifetime or universe, wrote them. I can't quite believe that was me who wrote those stuff. i have really changed. And i am so thankful and glad.

No more the deep in her own world kiddo with thoughts like those reflcted in the older posts.

Today, now and forever, i am and will be living my life for God and others. I think i no longer have those swirly whirly thoughts that just spiral and float around in my head. God has changed the way i think. Somehow, my thoughts no longer feel as if they belonged to only me alone; God knows them too and His Holy Spirit who dwells in me change what and how i think now. It's amazing to see the vast difference between the me who wrote the old posts and the me now. God truly transforms us from the inside out and in every area of our lives.

So much has changed in the last 4 years. Come December, it will mark the 5th year since i first came to Heart of God Church. Truly thankful for this place that changed the entire course of my life and destiny, and rescued the me who could never see the future or dream about it, simply because all i used to have were worries and fears.

It was fun reading those old posts.. haha even went through all the trouble of recovering my old hotmail account just so i could access the blog and post something. Heh. Can't believe i'm actually doing this.. what more at 5plus am. Haha o yes, i'm already in year 3 of my university life. i have dreams for the future and for things i want to do for God. I love how much my life has changed. It is truly all because of God.

Haha o yeah, initially just wanted to pen down some memories of my mom.. haha just indulging in a bit of nostalgia here. But in any case just felt it was important to me to remember these things i now find precious in my memory.

I loved it when my mom walked me to kindergarten. I loved holding her hand and the smell of her perfume as i walked. For some odd reason, maybe it was daughter pride or something hahaha, i'd feel proud and important that my mom walked me to kindergarten. I loved those walks. Haha but actually, come to think of it, i think that was a clear moment of a child's pure desire for parental love and care. And it was received. I felt it. I don't even think there were conversations, even if there had been i remember none. I guess quality time was my language of love.

I remember loving it when mom comes home from work. It's so funny recalling how i'd be anticipating her arrival - our old house's kitchen window was nearly facing the lift outside. I'd feel secure when i heard the familiar sound her heels made as she walked out and the almost sixth sense i acquired from just standing by the kitchen window knowing when the lift number would stop at 7 storey and i was sure i'd see her face when the doors opened..

Stepping Out

of what?

well, out of the one thing most people are unwilling to step out of. you've guessed it.
it's something called "comfort zone".

i've started my walk with God about 6 months ago. that's about 180 days of a journey that i will take all the days of my life from the moment i was saved till i breath my last. and then you know what happens next yea? haha.

alright. ever heard of "revival night"?

i've came back from a three day-two night church/zone camp last week and there were revival nights on both nights. it's kinda like the normal church service, with the usual praise & worship and word. but on revival nights, it's wonderfully powerful and amazing, because people get ministered to by Father Himself. come with an expectant and open heart, and you will definitely receive as He speaks to you.

how'd you know?

well, that's because i have heard. i have received.

"Step out," He says. and i knew of what.

Father knows all His children well. even better than we ourselves do.

and i sobbed. pretty embarrassing alright, but it was uncontrollable.

stepping out ain't easy for someone like me. but i will obey, because i trust. step by step, i hope and pray that i will be able to step out of that circle of comfort, then move away from it. for someone like me, this takes plenty of inner strength. it's difficult. many times i just want to stop crawling and shirk back into my hidey hole. it's like i'm within the boundary of a rubber band, and i need strength to push at its sides. keep expanding it, keep going against my awkwardness and discomfort, keep confronting my insecurities. till i break it. sometimes, or should i say many a times, i really don't think i can do it. but somehow, i feel that Father believes more in me than i believe in myself. i look at myself and sighs. He looks at me and smiles. He knows i can, and i will. like i said, He knows us way better than we ourselves do.

take that leap of Faith will ya?

six months ago, i would never have believed myself to be writing about this. six months ago, i didn't have a relationship with God. six months ago, i was a skeptic.

i now know that when God moves, even skeptics will actually end up moving over to the other side and stay at the other side. amazing huh? i'm really glad and grateful to be found in the House of God.

Amen to that.

i lead my life, and God leads me.

because the Lord is my shepherd.

ain't that right? i dunno why but i just wanted to pen this down as soon as possible. as in it popped into my head and i thought: "i should get this down". so yep.

ANYWAY it's been long since i last blogged eh? haha sorry man.

i've just got back from Japan about a day ago. lovely country. love the scenery. love Hokkaido. love the food there. love the uber adorable little kids (man i wanna adopt one!). but like they say, there ain't no place like home.

Japan's really cool. the people are really polite and i think they've got the world's most considerate culture. i mean, you should see how well-equipped their toilets are. the toilet seat warmer was great, i tell ya. i was so pleasantly surprised when i sat down and exclaimed: "woah! it's warm leh!" nice invention babeh.

and i had a wonderful time people-watching. some are real fashionistas, while others (most of them) are just pretty much over-dressed. man, you oughta see the gothics there! dramatic make-up and all. they really love dressing up i think. and it was like the norm for high school girls to wear make-up to school. but i think that's more common in Tokyo. when i was in Hokkaido, the high school kids were more mellow. and i realised that what i saw about Japanese school culture and students were parallel (more or less) to what's depicted in the Japanese mangas. really! not just in appearance (i meant school uniforms, not girls with overly large sparkling eyes), but in behaviour too. i thought it was pretty amazing. i dunno, i felt like i've learnt something that would be of help to my dream career, which i am much more serious about now.

teehee~

Oops.

my my it's been a reeeally long while since my last visit. guess i broke my promise of writing at least one post every month huh. haha but i'm not keen to break a promise i made to a certain (tall and skinny) someone that i'd write again soon, so here goes.

ah.

how's life, you say? well, it's been very very... interesting? boring? stressful? happening? busy?oh i don't know. it feels like rojak, honestly. and then again i don't really know how to put this. but life, at the moment, cannot be described by mere bombastic words or beautiful phrases. so, sorry.

all i can say is everyday's a daily struggle to survive and pass into the the struggles of the subsequent days. like the verse in the Bible, "... for tomorrow will worry about its own things. sufficient for the day is its own troubles". Matthew 6:34. not only is this verse a vital mental note-to-self to stay on track, but it's a survival tool in my hectic JC life. it's so easily understandable, but just so difficult to act on. because apparently the world is full of worry warts like you and me. haha alright i wouldn't say you but i'm pretty sure of me. i feel my hair turning gray already. bah.

and i need to get to bed now. i must be getting old.. i can't seem to stay up late till around 2am plus without feeling the backlash of it in school. sigh. ah i'll continue this anther time. soon.

stay tuned i guess.

in living memory of CGS

JC has started and i'm having the blues. sigh. i miss crescent. i miss going to an all girls school. i miss my secondary school friends, classmates and schoolmates. i miss the crescent culture. this long list of misses could go on forever, but you get the general idea.

guess i'm not ready to just let those 4 years of my life slide into being a part of a memory which can only be reminisced. it pains me to leave that 4-year period behind forever. only now do i actually realize the significance and true meaning of the phrase "a once in a lifetime experience". my time in crescent fits it perfectly. it's really a pity, and i can't emphasize enough just how much i miss those 4 years in crescent.

but this is life. progress is inevitable. knowing how to move on is an essential lifeskill that everyone needs. i know that. but i'd like to move on at my own pace. right now i'm still unable to fully let go of the time i had in crescent. like grasping onto loose threads of an entire quilt that's being blown away. and each and every one of the pattern on the quilt represents a memory of a day in crescent. and every day in crescent was different. a quilt made of hundreds of unique and special patterns that are never repeated. beautiful ain't it. ah! my precious quilt! haha.

the 4 years spent in crescent was like a 4-year long treasure hunt. the treasure doesn't exist initially, but was built up over time. when i started out, i didn't even know what i was supposed to find. only when the search is over and i come up empty-handed do i finally realize that i had actually found it. the entire process of searching for it is, in fact, the true treasure. and it is my treasure of this lifetime. however, it is sorta like fireworks. (except that it only occurs once in, say, a thousand years.) it'll look brilliant in the nightsky for a few seconds. after that it disappears and all that is left is an empty black backdrop. and if you ever wanted to see it again, all you could do is relive and revisit it in your memory. same thing here. all i can do is remember the fun times, funny times, great times and troubled times i've had during the treasure hunt. time only ever move forward.

ahh. i feel kinda silly for writing this in a rather kiddie way. but oh well. guess this is how i relate things. anyway, just wanna say that i'll never forget the crescent times. and i'll never forget y'all.

miss you guys loads. SOBS!

DISCLAIMER

ATTENTION: if you've read the previous post, please forget about it. it wasn't by me, so don't get any wrong ideas about me. it was written by a certain friend of mine, whom i will not name nor blame. guess she was just having a strong hormonal urge. you know what they say about teenagers. haha well happy chinese new year to y'all.