promises, promises

no promise, is better than an empty promise.

right? right.
there is a promise i want to make, but i doubt that it would be within my capability to keep it. it's a promise for someone. but it's a promise i made to myself. no one knows of it except me. if i were to let it become an empty promise, i'll be letting myself down. but i do really want to make it.

it's just that it's not gonna be easy to keep it, duh. but i want to try. but if i still can't fulfill what i promised, then what? is that considered an empty promise still? i think so. cos if i really did try, i somehow believe that it would not become an empty promise. that's really trying ain't it? putting in your best effort and all. so i guess my problem lies in the effort part. i am born uh, lazy, i suppose. so why am i bothering to do this? beats me. i just wanna yannow? haha.

but i think it's more because i don't want it to happen. as in, the promise i want to make is to prevent something from ever happening. i really wish it not to happen. but i know i have to DO something in order to prevent it. not just sit there and watch it develop into a uh, something monsterous, i guess. so i guess this means i'm making it?

yessir. i promise.

grrraaAAAGH.

i'm in a dilemma.

and it's not the first of its kind. it's happened before. though not many times i think. to choose, or not to choose.. actually, more like to choose this, that or.. or.. aah whatever. haha, more specifically, caught between friends and family, which should i choose? depends on the circumstances right. but what if the circumstances doesn't really help much either? this is troulesome. i'm a lover of convenience. though laziness oughta be a better and much more apt word.

by the rule of convenience, i would naturally go with family. much less conflict. much less trouble. but rather unfair to my friends. thus i know i shouldn't choose something out of the convenience of it. so, friends it is. but i've been told that i'm being a pushover this way. and it is also unfair to my family. more so to my mother actually. so what next?

why is it that all i ever consider are these two groups of people? why do i not consider myself? hahaha oh man do i sound like such a selfish prick at this point. but really, what do i think? well i'll tell ya what i think! i think that i go by the "first come first serve" policy. and i do find it tiresome and meaningless to rush by compromising just cos i want to have both.

however! this means that i'll choose to forsake my friends. and that would upset them. which is not good. duh. how can i please both parties? actually i can, but where does that leave me? a mite miserable perhaps. for having to be steered in different directions by others. so how can i please us all?

no idea man. i guess that in order to really think for yourself, you'd have to kinda displease someone. that's thinking FOR yourself ain't it? in a way, it's not right to say that this is selfish of me. because it's natural to be like that. to not get uh, trampled on.

sigh. i still am in a dilemma.

recently, i've been searching all over the net for piano scores and classical pieces that sound etheral.

don't know why i've suddenly developed this hobby. but i do enjoy playing the piano very much. i love letting my fingers run through the keys and how individual notes can woven into a beautiful piece of music.

when i'm sleepy, i'd play the piano. when i want my mind to be empty of all thoughts, i'd play the piano. when i don't feel like studying, i'd play the piano.

i'm really grateful for the piano. as well as my mom who signed me up for lessons when i was a kid. who knew that i ended up liking it. when i was a kid, i dreaded every piano lesson. then a few years ago, i rejoiced when i quit. it was only last year that i started picking it up again. and i believe it was because of sicheng.

i used to visit sicheng often, almost during every weekend. the first few times i went over, we'd always be by the piano. she'd be playing (like a real maestero!) and i'd just sit by the side and watch in amazement as her fingers quite literally flew over the piano keys. i'd never seen anyone play as fast as she does. at least not up close. yep, so that spurred me to start reviving my long lost piano playing skills.

i must say it wasn't easy picking up something i've not touched in about 3 years. but i'm glad i did. it's weird huh? i'm now liking something i used to dislike. actually, i don't think i disliked playing the piano ever. it was more like i disliked learning a new piece. which means it's out of pure laziness.

so, i'm grateful for sicheng for that too. man, i miss her.

something that i couldn't forget

i like reading manga and watching japanese anime alot.

and there was just this particular anime scene i saw when i was really young. it just suddenly popped up in my head. as if an invisible magnetic force pulled it out of a pile of junk.

it was set somewhere between now and the GUNDUM era. that particular anime episode was the first of its kind i had ever seen. there were soldiers that looked around the age of 7 to 15, and there was gunfire and canons and stuff and buildings that were already destroyed.

the characters in that scene was a typical japanese boy around 15 years of age. he had a companion; a small african american boy that was about 9 years old. they were walking to a camp i think. then elsewhere, there was another japanese boy. he was younger, about 13 perhaps, and he had a little sister that was around the same age as the african american boy. maybe 10 years old or so. both of them looked like they had already lost their parents. during then, they were running away from something, i think. their clothes were simple and plain, but rather ragged and dirty. they were unkempt. the 13 year old boy seemed to be the main character.

they both came to some place where everything seems almost wiped out. there was no one, only lots of debris. the older brother went into one of the half detroyed houses and he found a group of really young kids (about 5 or 6), in the same state as he was. then, the two child soldiers (mentioned earlier) found them. seems like they were raiding the place or something. but there was only the few of them in that entire area. meaning the two soldiers weren't with their troops. so, there's the bunch of kids, the two soldiers, and the siblings.

the older soldier went in first, and he stood at the doorway. he stood facing the older brother directly, who was some distance away, standing in front of the bunch of kids, protecting them. they were up against a wall. (can imagine?) and then the older soldier pointed his rifle at them, but the older brother still stood his ground and the some of the kids were whimpering.

they just froze there like that. i think the older soldier was contemplating on shooting or not. and then the screen showed the younger sister, who was holding a rifle (dunno where she got it from). she was standing nearby, behind the 15-year-old boy. she was aiming at him, ready to shoot him in the sly. the older brother can't see her because the 15-year-old boy was standing at the doorway, so he was blocking his view. his 9-year-old companion was beside him. he could see into the house, but he wasn't exactly facing the house directly. his body was half turned, so his back was half-facing the sister.

at first, he didn't see her. but at the last moment, as he realised that she was there and all, she had opened fire. but the african american boy took the shot just in time to save his older companion. he died, i should think. they showed him diving in front, with one hand held out in a 'stop!' action. his eyes were wide as the bullet went into him, his expression bewildered. it was slo-mo like that for that few seconds. and then he fell.

then a series of events took place. the 15-year-old boy turned as the sound of the shot rang out, just in time to see his companion fall. he was shocked, and upset. i think he shouted his young companion's name (which i can't remember what it was). then he saw the sister standing there, and before she could react or run or scream, he killed her in one shot. the older brother saw this then, and i guess he shouted his younger sister's name as well.

so they both lost someone dear to them each.

after that, i can't remember what really happend next. i can't remember if the bunch of kids survived, i can't remember if the two older teens fought or not. but i remember flashes and snippets of different scenes. like the older brother being taken to some place where he was beaten up rather badly and middle-aged men in black suits (like office wear) and a young girl sitting at a long table in what looked like a big, dark conference room, amongst the men in suits. she was of the, uh, high class type. not a rich spoilt girl, but the refined and royal and high status type of girl.

she around the same age as the older brother.

i think they met somehow. that part of my memory is really foggy and vague, but i think they did meet eventually.

i think the reason why i couldn't forget this was because it struck a chord in me. a really deep one. probably because i've never seen such a.. a.. 'serious' anime before. worlds apart from the likes of pokemon and digimon and whatnot. that was so real. it came like a punch in my tummy, knocking the wind outta me. i believe i was no more than 10 years old then, when i saw it. probably 8 years old at that time.

yep.

asinine

it means extrememly stupid or silly. i just came across it in the dictionary. was searching for the meaning of avarice. haha, now i know of an alternative way of saying stuuupid..

isn't that great? we learn something new everyday!

if anyone else ever reads this, well, haha, nothing serious, but i'd like to say please don't uh, spread moi blog url or link it or anything.

ya know?

i mean, yes, i know a blog's meant for everyone to see, but i still want a wee bit of privacy please. ok, maybe lots of it. haha, i can't exactly explain it very well, but i like to keep my thoughts. so i do suppose that blogs can be thought-keeping places. other than a traditional diary (with a lock and secret key) which i used to write in a few years back. i've don't keep a diary. at least not anymore. guess i got lazy. sometimes, i wonder when was my last entry. hmm, i might start picking up the diary-writing habit again. but then again, maybe not.

when i grow older, say, maybe 10 years down the road, i'd want to read what my younger foolish self had written, and then laugh, chuckle and cringe.

my first diary entry was written when i was.. 7 years old i think. or was it when i was 9? i still remembered that i had used colour pencils to write, because i thought it would make it look pretty, as if it was a piece of artwork. hahaha, and if i didn't remember incorrectly, i was writing about how unreasonable my PE teacher was for cutting short the PE period just because we were a wee bit noisy. haha, imagine that.

i mean, when i seven (or nine), PE was important and i could get angry over it. but now, i wouldn't even care. i guess what used to be important to me when i was a child no longer mattered to me now. perceptions change and people change, huh.

but sometimes, i'd wonder if i had overlooked some of the important things that i do not care for now. other people and the outside world shape a child. what if i had become what i am now because i had lost sight of what i used to think was of great importance to me 10 years ago?

certain what ifs are better left unanswered, i think.

but other what ifs can't be answered.

The Langage Of Others. a novel by Clare Morrall

what a great book!

just the kind i like. it has depth, but not too much. i love books like these which lets me see from someone else's view. in this case, the view of brilliant pianist, Jessica Fontaine, who teeters on the edge between her private world and the real world.

the parts of the book which i love were the times she was alone as a child and her thoughts. the book paints a quiet, peaceful, hidden world that only she lived in when she was a young girl. it's so quaint! i love the impression i get of her childhood home.

Audland Halls, it was called.

big, empty, old and breaking apart. doesn't sound like the ideal place for most people to want to call it their home. but Jessica loved it all the same.

and so do i.

the emptiness was comforting. the age of the house felt familiar. there is warmth, left behind from the rich history Audland Halls held. this is all from imagination, of course. but nevertheless, i still think that it'd be lovely if i had also grown up in a place like Audlands, which was supposedly a country house once. it had a tennis court and a lake.

ahh..

"i thrive on the emptiness of my house" was what Jessica thought. what a funny way to think, i think. isn't it?

"I'm seeing something new, my own life transformed by the removal of a filter, a different Jessica, someone I have never seen before.
It's me, I realise with sudden clarity. It wasn't Andrew who passed it on, it was me. I'm the one with the condition, the infinite space that separates me from the rest of the world.
I've spent all these years groping my way along in a bewildered silence, almost blind to everything except my own limited perceptions. I've been travelling without a compass or even a friendly hand at me elbow to guide me. I've lost my way, wandered in circles, never understood how you can use the stars to navigate.
And now, finally, after all this time, the dense fog is clearing, drifting away and I can see where I am. I'm on a narrow pathway that leads out of the strange land. I'm about to cross the border, show my passport and step into the real world, blinking at it's brightness.
A seven-year-old Jessica skates past me, her plaits swaying from side to side, her whole body absorbed by the rhythm. No wonder Harriet started to look elsewhere for friends, no wonder their mother gave up trying to communicate with her. That other Jessica was unreachable.
Music must have helped me to wake up. Something indefinable that dripped down inside, an imperceptible erosion over decades. a slow cresendo, poco a poco. Little by little. And then the shock of Andrew, not gradual but sforzando, suddenly loud, explosive, blasting his way in without subtlety. How could I resist him when I had no defences, no ability to assess other people?
I don't need to feel guilty anymore. The disability wasn't his, it was mine. He could have helped me, eased me more gently into the real world, but he didn't.
But maybe he did, by giving me Joel. The other defining experience of my life. the revelation that I could love a child, the discovery that everything was in place but hidden, waiting for the signal to emerge."

you see, Jessica has Asperger's Syndrome.